33 degrees later ...

33 hours later ...

time & tide

they are putting up the christmas decorations over Orchard Rd once again;
has it been one year already?
it has, and what memories to remember it by ....

below is an entry from marcella,
a heartful one that feels so close to home:

" Today I woke up with overwhelming fear.
The nearing of premenstrual period can only be blamed for the intensity of fear but not for the fear being there.
Waking up from a dream which seemed to be a possible premonition of what may be, is only the trigger for the fear but not for the fear being there.
The sense of uneasiness, the sense of insecurity, the sense of possible loss and the sense of not knowing is the cause for fear, or is the result of fear?
Can it all be summed up as the fear of change? Can fearing too much of change lead to change (you know what I mean?) ?
I guess only time will tell.

In a few minutes, the fear will subside yet again...but hope will always be present."

2046

"Love is a matter of timing.
It's no good meeting the right person
too soon or too late."

i wonder ...

"To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy
who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys.
And I have no need of you.

And you, on your part, have no need of me.
To you, I am nothing more than a fox
like a hundred thousand other foxes.
But if you tame me, then we shall need each other.

To me, you will be unique in all the world.
To you, I shall unique in all the world ..."

salut d'amour

last night, i stood up to my mom and dad
regarding 'that issue' ... it was the first time
I have ever done that. there was a renewed vigor
in me, something i have been waiting for awhile
has finally arrived, and along with it, the strength
and will for me to fight for it.

this could be it,
something is telling me...
the time could be this.

affirmations to myself

Jus have to get this off my chest.

1.) I am a fiercely independent person; I do not expect to be 'taken care' of and neither do I expect to be obligated for my future bf. I have issues of fear of being abandoned so I feel insecure being dependant to another person.

2.) I do not need anyone to look after me. In fact, I love myself too much to even let anything bad happen to me.

3.) I am very self-sufficient and contented in my life at the moment and I believe this to be so in the future as well. I do not go into a relationship expecting it to make my life any easier or any more exciting. I am however, hoping to share some of life's most beautiful moments and my most intimate secrets with that special someone.

4.) I think that a cool and tough exterior does not necessarily translate into a strong mentality. Just because I am more emotional and sensitive than the average Joe does not mean I am weaker. In fact, I believe that to acknowledge that certain incidents have an impact for you is a connection to your inner self, and may prevent future occurence of similiar incidents. To deny your true feelings by pretending it does not affect you is an act of cowardice which will probably manifest itself as unresolved issues later in life.

5.) I prefer to avoid conflicts in life if possible. People may think this is a sign of weakness. But I know if my interests are at risk, I will not hesistate to confront. I speak my mind when I have to but I try not to offend or hurt anyone's feelings, because I emphatise and I give respect. I try not to change or influence people's perception on issues pertaining to morals, religion or sexuality etc because I believe they are entitled to their own. And I don't really care even if our opinions differ. That is how self-assured I am of my own ideas.

6.) I will not and usually do not give a damn to what others think of me because its my life and I definitely know myself better. I am however sorry for these people, and for things that could have happen but did not because they were so insistent on their judgement of me. I cannot change their perceptions and probably do not want to if it means having to change myself to fit into their stereotype.

7.) I am young but I know what I want and I may or may not fight for it. Sometimes, if things are fated, you should not even have to try that hard. I weigh the pros and cons carefully; What do I have to sacrifice? Is it worth my time? Are my main priorities in life being compromised?

8.) I am an easy person to get along with, I am not aggresive and do not put on airs. I respects others and expects similiar treatment. As much as I heard how disconcerting and aloof I look, I will not and don't think I want to smile to everyone I meet on the street. I do not need everyone to like me. I know who are important in my life and am happy with what I have got. I am definitely not playing hard to get, high in maintenance, attention whore or plain arrogant. In rebuttal, I am also not a PR executive to be able to entertain every single person who thinks they deserve my time. I have my own life to live, my own friends to talk, dine, drink and smile to.

9.) I am a young and strong gay boy with a very high level of self awareness and that of my surroundings. I am not in self denial, as I know how injurious that is to myself and to others around me. I am not writing all these in retaliation to anything, but as an affirmation to my direction in life.